The other day, my family and I sat down for a meal.
I was consciously committing to being calm and mindful.
This is reflected in my slow pace of eating, pausing between bites, putting my fork down often, and engaging people in conversation.
But the other people at the table weren’t being or acting in the same way.
And I got stuck.
I got stuck when my husband spoke to me with food in his mouth.
First of all, it’s terribly unattractive to me.
Secondly, I don’t even understand him when he does that.
And thirdly, I feel like he’s modeling to our kids how to be disrespectful.
Now, I’m stuck.
I know that.
He’s not stuck.
I’m stuck and I know that because of how I’m feeling.
He’s feeling fine (as far as I know).
I’m not.
So, while I’m sitting at the table, without anyone knowing, I get myself unSTUCK using The unSTUCK Method.
S – I take a stop. I pause and breathe.
T – I tell myself that I’m stuck on annoyance, among other emotions.
U – I uncover my beliefs. I believe my husband should be acting differently. I believe he should respect my wishes. I believe he should slow the heck down. But, when I look closely at these beliefs, I recognize that none of them are 100% true. Even the belief about him needing to respect my wishes. He doesn’t have to. He’s his own person. He can do whatever he wants. That is his birthright.
C – I consider other perspectives. I can consider crying or yelling or pouting, but none of those are ways I want to be. I can consider telling my husband (again) of my wishes, but that would just be manipulative. I considered being respectful no matter what. And then I considered setting a boundary.
Like, “If you speak to me with food in your mouth, I won’t respond.”
K – I held myself in kindness for having gotten stuck in the first place. I’m human.
And it worked.
I stated my boundary (a way to protect myself, not necessarily to manipulate my husband) and followed through with it (very important!) when he crossed it. I wasn’t mean or rude or presenting a feeling of being controlling. I was simply stating my own needs and how I could get through this meal without feeling resentful. I didn’t even expect my husband to change. He didn’t have to. I was open to him staying exactly the same as he has been all this time – but it was me who was going to change. And I did. And it felt great.
Where in your life do you feel the need to put up a boundary?
I’d love to read your comment below.