Surprises can be great.
But they can also feel awful.
Your default reaction to something negative you didn’t expect to happen is often automatic rejection.
Your mind goes to a place of not being able to accept reality as it’s presented to you at that moment.
And yet, resisting reality is what gets you stuck.
Tune in to this week’s episode to learn what you can consider the next time you get surprised, so you can be able to move on from it.
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Hi Shira!
It sounds like you closed the door on an unreliable situation with your cleaning lady and thus avoided further annoyance. From her perspective probably a supply and demand issue. She obviously has more demand for her services, so she is capitalizing on that. So true in today’s world. It used to be the customer is always right and businesses tried to retain good customers, but there has been a thought shift that businesses are doing customers a favor just by virtue of being open. Supply and demand has an impact there also. People do not want to do ‘demeaning’ hard service labor anymore. EMPLOYEE Shortages in service industries like restaurants and nursing homes are the result. So a person must choose to forgo the service or acquiesce poor service. This is an excellent example of 2 different stories going on. My interpretation could be another story! I know tough things happen, but I get stuck when there is no communication about it and therefore try to educate about the importance of communication, but that puts people on the defensive. It is teaching me to be careful about who is allowed in my circle. It is also teaching me to be more considerate and only want considerate people in my company.
Thank you for your reply, Catherine!
Hi Shira,
Listened to this here for a change – much easier to comment!
So my reaction to what happened to you would have been the same as yours: WTF! How do people do that stuff? Hard to get your head around that kind of behaviour.
But then I would have done pretty much what you did. Accept it and move on. Because staying angry only hurts you. Good luck finding someone new.
Love you!
Jo
Thank you for your reply! And glad you would have moved on as well! I love you, too!
Hi Shira. I had a very similar situation so I don’t have to guess what my reaction would have been (although I realize, in retrospect, that it was not what my reaction should have been).
I also introduced my cleaning woman, who was the daughter of someone a friend knew, around to several other women in the neighbourhood, people she then cleaned for regularly. When Covid came, I also offered to pay her as she had a young family and I thought she needed the money. I just couldn’t have her come into my home as I was in a high risk group. My cleaning woman was not grateful. I think she was insulted. She emailed me and said “I would never take money from you..”
Once Covid was over, I asked her if she could start again. She told me that she was booked up solid (with clients I had introduced her to, some of whom kept her through Covid) and didn’t have time to clean for me. Like you, I was totally shocked since I had been the one to introduce her to the others. (Prior to covid she was also trying to “fit me in” between two of the other clients I had gotten for her as one of them preferred the time slot I had, and I got wind of the fact that she was charging them the same price but also including her own cleaning supplies.) I figured I had just been “too good” to her and she thought I was a pushover, which I likely was (this is a very hard balance for me as I was raised to always have generosity of spirit).
Your reaction was better than mine, you actually confronted her. I was just gobsmacked, hurt and very annoyed. I also couldn’t figure out how she could have done this to me. I tried a few times after that to hire her, as its very hard to find good cleaning people at a decent price here, but it was always the same answer. Each time I found myself annoyed. Shira, I can’t convince myself that my thoughts (my “shoulds”) were not true – here’s where I have a problem using your method – to my mind, clearly, she “should” have behaved differently (that’s just common decency). So although I can let it go and not think about it continuously because I tell myself that it’s not worth the aggravation, I do think that I’m correct in believing that she should have behaved differently. I just can’t convince myself that “it was not true” because she did not do what I thought she should have done. I think this is where I get stuck in the clear part of this method. This is not criticism, just difficulty that I have in going through the method.
Stay well and enjoy your retreat.
Sue
Hi Sue, Thank you for your reply!
I understand how the “Uncover” step in The unSTUCK Method can be challenging, specifically when it comes to investigating your “should” beliefs.
This is how I see it. You would have LIKED her to have behaved differently. (And I totally can understand why!)
But, how do you know she SHOULD have done something if it didn’t happen that way?
If it didn’t happen the way you wished it would, how could it be that it SHOULD have happened that way, when it didn’t?
That’s the question.
And when you fight with reality, that’s when you suffer.
I know this is challenging to wrap your head around at first.
It may take some time, but that’s why it’s called a “practice.”
Ah, I see. I perhaps need to think about it as “did happen” rather than “should have happened”as my view is also subjective. Thank you! Sue
I loved this story and the way you handled it. I have been there done that, and therefore have stopped sharing information about my cleaning ladies with other people, even good friends. I am happy to share that I found a good, reliable cleaning lady and keep it a secret. Perhaps I lack generosity of spirit, but after having been burnt in similar ways, that is what works for me. Of course on a small village, that is more difficult to do. I could immediately apply the lessons I learned from your story to other stories of mine, where i just need to accept the reality and move on. Finally, I was looking forward to hearing you live at the retreat, but came down with pneumonia and had to cancel. Working on accepting that as well looking forward to the next one.
Thank you, Susie, for your response. I appreciate your perspective. And I’m so sorry you got sick! I hope you are feeling better!